Episode 20: False Friend

[TAPE RECORDER CLICKS ON, STATIC]

[INT. The Contestant’S ROOM, UNPLEASANT ELECTRONIC BACKGROUND MUSIC]

The Host (Rhys) (voiceover) Good morning, Contestant Number Seven! It’s a lovely sunny day as you’ll be able to see if you look out of the window. Don’t look down, though! It’s 17 floors all the way down from the penthouse where you’ll be spending the next…..well, that’s all part of the game, isn’t it?

Have a look around the room now you’re up. Lovely soft bed changed regularly so you won’t need to worry if you decide to…you know…bring someone back, nice bright lights so you can see everything, white and Perspex polished surfaces – easy to clear. Don’t worry about the cameras, just try to ignore them. They’ll be documenting everything you say and do while you’re in here. They even have night vision, isn’t that great! As well as your own private room, you’ll have access to a pool, the fully equipped gym, a spa, a lounge with big comfy sofas, a kitchen. The bath and shower rooms are shared, but I just think that’s nice and friendly, don’t you? Lots of full-length mirrors in there so you can look your best. And, for a bit of fun we’ve put a soft-play room with a bouncy castle in the lowest level of the Penthouse. Isn’t that great!?

Out of all of the hundreds we interviewed, you, and your fellow contestants are the lucky few who have been selected, plucked out of the wonderful nightmare world out there to take part in this very special game. You remember the interview, don’t you? No? Well, maybe that’s for the best. You must have done really well, must have showed some style and panache and just generally good vibes and sparkle because here you are, hundreds of feet above all that going on back down there. Congratulations, you’ve made it! Once you’ve finished getting dressed… no need to be coy and hide behind your covers like that, the viewers have seen it all before. Well, suit yourself. Once you’ve finished getting dressed I’ll give you a tour of your beautiful new home and you’ll get to meet your new housemates – all selected because like you they’ve got that special something something.

[STINGER]

[EXT. BY THE POOL, SOUNDS OF WATER LAPPING]

The Host (Rhys) So… this is the pool, heated obviously. It is open to the outdoors, but just ignore those drone cameras buzzing around.

[FAINT BUZZING]

You’ll barely notice them eventually. Lots of loungers so you can catch what little sun still shines, not much I can do about the hellscape really, sorry! Over there you can see a few of your housemates – Contestant Number One and Three. No, the numbers don’t mean they’re better than you, of course. Or do they? Kidding…everyone here has been selected for their own unique qualities. Everyone is special in their own way.

[A VOICEOVER TALKS ABOUT THE OTHER CONTESTANTS]

Distorted American Voiceover Contestant Number One gives her measurements as 34-24-34. She’s just signed with a popular modelling agency, but she won’t tell us which one, and to be honest, it doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? She has a successful fashion youtube channel with over one hundred thousand followers. Or well, she did before…you know. Now she’s just happy to have access to food and more importantly …make-up again.

Contestant Number Three is cooling off in the pool, and that’s not a surprise because he’s a fitness coach and three times Codi Pwysau Cymru powerlifting champion. I wouldn’t like to think how many people he’s strangled with those swole biceps just to survive out there in that wasteland [laughs]

The Host (Rhys) Now, you didn’t bring your swimsuit so let’s pop into the gym instead. Here you’ll find weights, dumbbells, treadmills, yoga balls, all those things you remember from back when the world was like it used to be. And here they are as well, contestant numbers two, four and five.

Distorted American Voiceover Contestant Number Two had just finished a run as Marius in Les Mis at the Millennium Centre before everything went to, well, you know. He’s been in several BBC costume dramas and was even slated as the next Doctor Who. Shame the TARDIS won’t be heading back to earth for a while… There’s not much even the Doctor could do about the world we live in now! Contestant Number Four says she wants you to breathe deep and feel your connection to what’s left of the earth – you might have visited her Holistic Health Memes blog for bite size tips on the perfect smoothie - when there was still an internet.

The Host (Rhys) Speaking of smoothies, I bet you could use something refreshing, eh? Well, let’s head over to the kitchen where you’ll find all that fresh fruit you’ve been missing so much all that time you were picking through bins for scraps and hoping you didn’t eat anything that would burst out of your chest or burrow into your bones and make a nest [laughs] But what’s this - it’s the rest of your new housemates?

Distorted American Voiceover Contestant Number Five is probably crying because he’s remembering all the money he used to have before electronic goods ceased to have any value. Once upon a time you could catch his podcast Crypto Cryptids and You wherever you used to be able to get podcasts. Pouring toxic positivity into his ear is Contestant Number Six, Breitbart journalist and author of the smash hit e-book Breaking the Rules: The New Pick-up Artist’s Handbook. And last, but probably not least, in the corner, sipping gin and laughing at everyone’s pain is Contestant Number 8 feminist blogger, academic, some time performance artist and regular Guardian columnist. She’s the author of Adult Human Female: Women’s Spaces Under Attack and is super glad I left a pink hat with little pointy ears in her wardrobe just for her.

The Host (Rhys) Why don’t you take some time and get to know each other?

Distorted American Voiceover Day Two in the Penthouse

[STINGER]

The Host (Rhys) So, welcome to your time in the hot seat. We’re going to do a bit of a recap on the highlights of your time in the Penthouse so far. It looks like you’ve made a couple of friends, you’ve been working out with Contestant Number 3 and you’re getting on really well with Contestant Number 8. That’s great! Let’s hope she never find out the truth about you, eh? Eventually she’s going to ask what school you went to or something like that and then the cat will be out of the bag. Probably better you don’t tell her really, I mean if you look at this footage here, you can see her telling Contestant Number 1 all about that thing you told her in confidence. They seem to be finding it pretty funny, don’t they? That’s mean of them, so they’ll be getting a hand massage and pampering session as a reward! You would never do something like that, would you? Well, we’ll see how long you can hold on to those morals.

[STINGER]

Distorted American Voiceover Day Five in the Penthouse

The Host (Rhys) Welcome back to the hot seat! Congratulations on winning the spin bike challenge! The whole house will be getting a five-course banquet as a reward for how great you did. Shame Contestant Two took all the credit after you did all the organising, but I guess he is a good motivational speaker – it used to be his job when he couldn’t get proper acting roles, oops forget I told you that, me and my big mouth! He’ll be getting the cake with his name on, but I guess at least you get to enjoy the meal, and of course the promised booze. It’s not all good I’m sorry to say though. I bet you think you’re so clever telling all those lies. I guess you thought you could hide the truth with…let’s be honest, barely plausible stories? Unfortunately, your housemates all think you’re a liar now. Here’s a reel of the footage of them comparing your stories and finding things that just don’t make sense…

[STINGER]

Distorted American Voiceover Day Ten in the Penthouse

The Host (Rhys) Well well well, haven’t we been having an exciting time? Things got a little hot and heavy for you and Contestant Number 3. I was worried he was going to reveal your secret, but I guess he won’t want you telling the other housemates the things you know about him now, will he? Your little secrets, just between you, him, and me and all the viewers of course. But oh no, he won’t talk to you anymore, now will he? How sad. Now I feel like I have to tell you, there’s been a lot of…what do they call it…locker room chat. Your friend has been a bit disparaging about you I’m afraid, when he’s been talking with the lads. But I bet it’s all just to protect your secret. Or his own behind, maybe! Let’s roll the footage…

[STINGER]

Distorted American Voiceover Day [Static] in the Penthouse

The Host (Rhys) The rankings are in and guess what, it’s hot seat time! Hello hello Contestant Number Seven, how are you doing? Better? Something funny? I bet I can guess what it is. Has it got something to do with Contestant Number Three? Is it why he punched a wall yesterday? I bet it is! Have you done something naughty? I think you have, haven’t you? Let’s roll the footage – here you are telling Contestants Number One, Two and Eight all the juicy details about your little tryst the other night. And here’s Contestant Number Two telling Contestant Number Six, who astonishingly has not yet noticed the massive and obvious crush that Two has on him, gotta love trauma bonding, we will have to do something about that though. Daddy issues much Contestant Number Two? Anyway, this delightful little stunt has earned you a bottle of champagne to share with you and two other contestants of your choice. But… you know what….I’m feeling generous today, so let me tell you what, I will double that reward, a second bottle of bubbly if you do something for me…….How about…you let Contestant Number Six know all about how Contestant Number Two has been checking him out in the showers?

[STINGER]

Distorted American Voiceover Day [Static] in the Pent-[Static]

The Host (Rhys) Oh dear me, Contestant Number Seven, you are in a state, aren’t you? There’s some tissues in a box on the table over there. Do you want to tell me what happened? Listen to me asking as if you have a choice. We know what happened, don’t we? Your secret got found out, and now Contestant Number Eight won’t even look at you. I mean good luck to her, keeping that up, it’s not as if any of you are going anywhere, is it? Anyway, I’ve got some news that’ll cheer you right up. How about a new challenge?

Distorted American Voiceover Day [Static]

The Host (Rhys) Welcome back! My, my how things have changed – hard to believe it’s only been…how long has it been? No way to tell, really, haha! Honestly, Contestant Number Seven I’m so proud of you. You’ve got your housemates eating out of your hands. It seems like you’ve got something on all of them. But, to be honest, it’s only fair, isn’t it? Given how they’ve treated you! Roll the…

[THE HOST STOPS ABRUPTLY]

[THERE IS A PAUSE]

The Contestant Hello?

[A DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

[SOUND OF FEET WALKING, GOING OUTSIDE, WHERE IT’S WINDY]

[THE FEET GO ACROSS A METAL WALKWAY. THE WIND BECOMES LOUDER]

The Host (Rhys) [calling, distorted avatar voice] Hello! Windy up here, isn’t it?

The Contestant You’re…

The Host (Rhys) Don’t worry, I don’t bite. They’re eyes, not mouths. Perils of working in the family business, you see.

The Contestant Why are we up here? Why did you let me out? Where are we?

The Host (Rhys) In the world before the Eye opened this was technically the tallest building in Cardiff. Now it’s my…what do they call it? It’s my domain. I did try to make it a little nicer than the others, you know? You all had food and water, and all those little comforts I could conjure up for you.

The Contestant You were torturing us! You’re a monster!

The Host (Rhys) Well, obviously, yeah. It’s still a domain, isn’t it? Honestly, though, it stopped being fun after a while. I kept having to think of new things to do with you. I was running out of ideas! Anyway, it’s all over now, isn’t it?

The Contestant What do you mean?

The Host (Rhys) Well, Head Office pulled a blinder, I’ll give it to them, but there’s no such thing as a perfect plan. Eventually, something was going to give, wasn’t it, and bring this whole shindig to an end? Look over there, due east. Follow the ruins of the M4, all the way to London.

[STATIC]

The Contestant What is it?

The Host (Rhys) Head office, like I said. Well, Contestant Number Seven…no…that’s not your name is it, what’s your name?

The Contestant Claire.

The Host (Rhys) Well Claire, since you were such a good contestant, I thought I’d invite you up here to watch the inevitable consequences of hubris with me.

The Contestant I don’t understand. What’s happening in London?

[SOUND OF THUNDER IN THE DISTANCE AND RUMBLING]

The Contestant It’s falling down?

The Host (Rhys) Yep. Too late for me to do anything about it, even if I could be bothered to. Won’t take long now before it gets out to us here. Well, it’s been lovely tormenting you, Claire.

The Contestant Wait…why are you so close to the edge…what are you…

[RHYS LAUGHS AND FALLS OFF THE BUILDING]

[RAPIDLY UNSPOOLING TAPE SOUND FROM MAG 200]

[BIG BROTHER-STYLE REPRISE OF THEME MUSIC]

This episode of “For The Record” was written, directed, and performed by Lou Sutcliffe (as The Narrator, and “Rhys Llewellyn-Jones”).

It used sounds from freesound.org, under a Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial License. For full accreditation, see the show notes. To be kept up to date on new episodes, submit your statement, or to get involved in production, you can follow us on Twitter @ftrecordpod, on Tumblr at fortherecordpod or view our website at fortherecordpodcast.co.uk. Stay safe, take care, and have fun!